Breakfast & Sirius' Rant
by Aquila Corax
Summary: What's the best way to start off the day?  How about with a glass of pumkin juice and a rant by the one and only Sirius!  So pull up a chair, grab some oatmeal, and enjoy.


Breakfast & Sirius' Rant

James sat across from Remus, who was sitting next to Sirius. Peter was by James. He was so tired he was pouring orange juice onto his oatmeal. All he wanted was peace and quiet.

"Good Morning James! How are you? Life is beautiful!" Sirius was saying rather loudly, right in his ear.

"Shut up Sirius," he responded.

"What was that? A hangover? From that wild and crazy party last night?" Sirius proceeded to share his side of the conversation with the whole Great Hall.

"Shut it Sirius. I mean it. Now." James was getting more irritated by the minute.

"What? Lily's pregnant? Who's the father? Is it Remus?" The entire Hall went silent at that and Remus spat out his pumpkin juice in surprise. 

"I am dead serious. Shut the hell up."

"The only person who can be dead Sirius here is me. If I die. Which would only happen if someone killed me. Which is what you're going to right now from the look of it, right James?" He continued to throw the dirtiest looks at Sirius as he continued his rant.

"If you aren't the father, are you still going to raise Lily's baby like it's your own? What if it is Remus'? How will you be able to kiss the little tyke's furry face goodnight?" Remus hid his face behind his hand the second he heard his name, and at the reference to the furry face he punched Sirius. Lily was looking on in disgust and amusement.

"What if Malfoy is the father?" At this point Sirius was standing on the Gryffindor table, his right foot dangerously close to a bowl of cranberry juice, looking down on all the students like it was a class assembly or something. "What will the kid's hair look like? Pink? Think about it. Red," He pointed to Lily, "plus white, or silver whichever," he pointed to Lucious, "equals pink!

"Who else could it be… Is it Snape Lily? I didn't know you were into vampires you necrophiliac you! How was it? Would you recommend him to me Lily? Or do you think he'd be more into someone like Remykins here? I could so picture Snapey with James!"

Sirius now started looking for Snape and upon finding him, Sirius asked him a question. "Hey Snape do you like James? Don't you think he's sexy? You want to jump him don't you? Trust me, I know the feeling. The only way to get rid of the desire is to take him against his will. Preferably in the dungeons, it's harder for him to escape that way. I had to learn the hard way. Bring some antibacterial salve, you'll need it. Jamesie here is a biter!"

"SIRIUS SHUT THE HELL UP!!!"

"Why?"

"JUST SHUT IT!!!"

"Shut what?"

"YOUR FACE! SHUT YOUR FACE!!!"

Sirius now had a philosophical look on his face and a deeply introspective tone of voice. "But my dearest James, how does one shut his (or her) face?"

"By closing your mouth."

"But then how will I breathe?"

"Through your nose."

"What if I have allergies?"

"Allergies?"

"Severe ones. Makes my nose all stuffy, impossible to breathe. But those aren't all the holes in the face." James dropped his head to the table. But Sirius went on describing all the holes in the human body.

"You have your ears, but you can't breathe out of those. Well, you could, it's just that your head would be full of air. And if you live in an active oven, your head would be full of hot air, but everyone already knows that James." Peter had to put all of his weight into stopping James from attacking Sirius. James was standing and looking ready to take Sirius to Hell and back.

"Take that back!"

"What's wrong? Not man enough to take the truth?" Sirius then crouched down face to face to James and began growling and barking at him. James started forward, but Peter managed to hold him back. "Better get a leash for that puppy." He flicked James' nose and stood back up, addressing the crowd.

"One's nasal cavity actually goes into the area behind the eyes, so if you needed to, you could breathe through your eyes. Though it is painful. Tried it a few times, couldn't see for a month. My mum almost killed me. 'No son of mine is going to be blind! No Black is ever supposed to be in the dark!'"

Remus couldn't help himself. "What happened then?"

Sirius crouched down again as though he was talking to a very small child, but continued to talk so the entire Hall could gear him. "I then said a few smart aleck retorts, after which my mother threatened to 'spank me gay'. Which she did! And now I feel FABULATH!!!"

Sirius jumped off the table, bowed, and ran out of the Hall, laughter ringing out behind him.


End file.
